Venting

Got a lot of little things on my mind.

First I always that I am never satisfied with my life. Which I think isn't a bad find. Satisfaction to me means to settle, like everything is perfect. But there are times that I am pleased with my life. These are times that I know things improving: relationships are growing, finances are getting better, I am growing closer to God, old temptations are no more and I can see the deeper sins in my life. Satisfaction means the race is over. I am pleased when I know I am in the race. But there are times when I feel like I am going nowhere. I am not satisfied, but I feel like I can't run. I think that is how I feel now. I have reached a stagnant point, like I am stuck in mud. And at some point, God will pull me out. At some point.

On a more social note, it was nice to see George Bush support ethanol in his State of the Union speech. Plus commercials using Kermit as the mascot for ethanol vehicles. Do I think the current situation is the answer? No. Eventually we will have to go to cellulosic ethanol. It may be more expensive, but when its time comes, when oil is even more expensive and corn ethanol is expensive because of the demand for corn, it will come. But also we will need ethanol to hydrogen converters in our cars to use fuel cells. Because we can only grow so much cellulose, we need to go with fuel cells since there are about twice as effecient. Then come natural gas. That will run out to. We need biomass gasification to take that place. Then there is wind mills, the fastes growing renewable energy, and solar panels on houses. All of these on the current electric grid. But becasue this is all spread out, it put less of a demand on the grid and in fact the flow of electricity on the lines will depend on the weather.
Why do we need to do this? Because God told us to make use of the earth not abuse it. And if we care more about doing God's will than making a profit, the faster this will happen.

What else? I don't know. But I need to get rid of this cold and get to exercising. My goal for the next 30 days is to be able to run 2 miles at a 10 minute mile pace, do 3 full sets of 315 on the squat, and do 3 full set of 150 lbs on the dumbbell press. Adventure race here I come.

Brokeback Mountain

First let me say a few short things.

Unless being gay means that homosexual sex is the most important thing to you, this is not a pro-gay movie. And if you are a homophobe, I would recommend that you watch this movie.

That being said let me explain. I once read that Annie Proulx once wrote that "Brokeback is about manipulation". I am still trying to verify that. But it seems to very much fit. Before we get to that let me get to the quality of the film. All the attention the movie is getting is about 80% merit and about 20% hype. The movie is beautifully filmed and does a great job of displaying what is going on in the characters. Which is important when one realized that this story is more than about two guys who love each other but can't. In fact the movie is as much about Ennis (Heath Ledger) relationship with his wife Alma (Michelle Williams) as much as it is about Ennis's relationship with Jack (Jake Gyllenhaal). Most of you know the story about gay part of the movie. At least physically. But viewing the move the relationship between Jack and Ennis is more about lust and nostalgia. They never really commit to each other and Jack pursues other homosexual desires throughout the story. In fact while being married to woman, Jack pursue Ennis, finds a gay prostitute in Mexico, and starts a relationship with a married man. In fact in viewing the relationship, it almost seems that the relationship is more of molester and molestee.

But the greatest sense of love in this movie is Alma's love for Ennis. Even after she learns of the affair, she still stick with Ennis. And even when the relationship is strained to divorce she still shows concern for him, inviting him over for thanksgiving and worrying about his loneliness. And through all of this, Ennis still loves his family but all of his other relationships with women fail.

Jack on the other hand, puts up a facade. Having a family but ready to jump on opportunities to leave when he gets the chance. Where as Jack will give up what he has for Ennis or somebody else, Ennis won't.

But one can also see how the histories of Jack and Ennis caused the relationship. Jack never felt loved by his dad and Ennis never really had a mom or dad. And it is this gap in their lives that caused the relationship. These aren't evil people, just confused. Their life was by choice but their choice was molded by history and, maybe, genes. But this choice had negative repercussions. One has to ask if Jack and Ennis didn't have this affair, how much better not only their lives and the lives of everyone they loved would have been.